thinking you’re old but realizing that you. are. not.

yes

(Source: sciencefiction)

sometimes I stop feeling

at all

like my whole body has been Novocained

so numb a knife’s edge

wouldn’t make a difference

it happens at the strangest times

like when I’m taking a shower

making breakfast

formatting spreadsheets

usually it’ll last a few minutes

but sometime hours

once it was three days of nothing

so bad that I contemplated

peeling off that outermost layer of skin

slowly, like a sticker

careful to keep it in one piece

revealing the new fresh layer

then I could feel things like no one’s ever dreamed

particles of dust landing on me

or

someone breathing across the room

but

imagine the feel of jeans

a wool blanket

so I stopped myself.

Sometimes I can feel the weight of time settling into me. I’ll become aware of it sharply, tearfully, almost painfully. Like an older version of myself has come to visit my body and look back on that far away youth now drifting out of memory. And suddenly I can see how young we all are, past childhood but still untouched by what will cause the wrinkles and the divorces. We are only in the shallow end, but I kind of wish I could stay.

“ I’m trying to get close to the language of thought. It’s hard to put into words what the mind does, but drawing can map those processes better than anything but music. It’s so agile. It’s like a cloth you put over some complex object and it takes on the shape of the object exactly. ”

looking closer

he realized, 

magic was dead

there was always something

behind that curtain

right when you wanted 

to believe.

he started to see

sewage in everything,

the shit kept hidden

the dirty made pretty.

so he tore up the flowers 

called himself 

beauty destroyer,

truth revealer.

shut your wide eyes,

he’d tell them.

there’s nothing there.